A few weeks ago I received and email from a follower of this blog, a beautiful woman from New Zealand who took the time to write to me to say that my posts had helped her through a bit of a personal melting down. She said something that a lot of people who write to me say; she mentioned her age and that she felt she was “a bit late” to be going through the changes that she felt were happening to her. By changes I mean personal changes in behaviour or choices or lifestyle or whatever. The sort of changes that can come at any time and that a lot of people try to avoid because they think they’re too old or too late to follow through on what they want to do.
Sometimes, and some of you will already know this, I accidentally write big long email replies to people without meaning to and that particular morning was one of those times because her email came exactly when I had just been thinking the same thing about myself. Here’s the extended version of what I wrote to her.
I used to be a dancer. Actually, I am a dancer. I gave it up for more than twenty years then picked it up again a few months ago. Dancing is my greatest love. It’s in my bones and my blood and my chest and my gut, and until recently, one of the greatest, deepest regrets of my life was giving it up in my teens. At the ripe old age of fifteen I fell away from ballet because I was being bullied by other girls in my dance class and because I had become freakishly thin and because I didn’t know how to commit to a life of something that felt so big and terrifying to me.
I was really good too.
I had been fighting returning to dancing for over two decades. Seeing dancers would move me to tears, leave me breathless, then furious. It actually hurt, caused me real physical pain in my chest to see dancers on stage or on TV or even in photographs. I’d come up with all sorts of reasons why I couldn’t go back and the one that seemed to cancel out every single reason to do the thing I loved doing most was my age.
Even when I was eighteen.
Twenty.
Thirty.
Because one of the easiest and most effective ways to stop yourself from doing something that scares you is to tell yourself you’re too old and that it’s too late, and you know what? Most of the world will happily back you up because they’re all telling themselves the same thing.
I hear students who are eighteen telling me that they’re running out of time to do what they want to do with their lives. I thought the same thing at twenty five, then thirty five, and now at thirty eight I’m wondering if I’m too old to be a mother and a partner. It’s easy to tell myself I’m a haggard old crone that no one wants to knock up or settle down with, but how much of that is actually coming from outside of me and how much of it is my own comfort blanket keeping me away from the things that scare me, insulating me from all responsibility for my own choices?
Just before my thirty-seventh birthday I commented on a post on Elizabeth Gilbert’s Facebook page and she actually replied with the most incredible comment. She wished me a happy birthday and told me that life expands as we get older. She told me not to give in to bullshit ideas about which boxes I should fit in to. She told me that she feels younger in her forties than she did in her twenties. Elizabeth Fucking Gilbert wrote actual words to me.
At first that felt amazing and exciting and I thought about all the wonderful things that could happen as life gets bigger and bigger. Then I shrunk. I thought how the hell will I cope if life gets bigger? I’m just me. If life gets bigger it will crush me because sometimes I can’t even handle the small life I’ve crammed myself into.
Tango seemed too big for me, so much so that my first Tango class almost never happened.
Tango has always made my skin hot and my chest hurt. Always. I’ve been fighting taking up Tango for most of my adult life. I saw a Facebook event page for a “Taster class” at an arts venue in Glasgow and I asked a friend to come along to be my partner, because I thought showing up for the class alone would make me feel like a colossal loser. I booked the class for the two of us. The prick never showed up. He text me as I was waiting at the train station to say he wasn’t coming. I handed my train ticket to another passenger. The train pulled up. I started to walk home in the rain, a tiny part of me was relieved that I had a solid excuse for not going to the class.
Half way up the road, cold and wet and pissed off, I stopped right there and asked myself; if I was a character that I was watching in a movie, what would I want that character to do next? Would I really want my character to accept her thirty-eight year old place in life and give up and go home and do something more age appropriate?
I turned around, walked back to the station and got on the next train. I arrived at the class drenched and braced for rejection. I sheepishly asked the teacher if I could participate on my own. She said yes. I hid in the toilets for twenty minutes until the class started.
As the rest of the class arrived, in pairs and happy couples, I stared out of the window on to the street, fighting back tears and forcing myself to not run out of the room because a horrible voice in my head was telling me that I was stupid to try to be a dancer at thirty eight when I’d clearly wasted my time and not achieved my dreams by the time I was twenty.
Like a kid who doesn’t have a partner to pair up with at school, I had to dance with the teacher.
Tango is all about connection. You feel your partner’s movement, and a good Tango “leader” can feel what their “follower” is capable of and an excellent Tango leader can guide their partner into steps and sequences they didn’t know they were capable of. My teacher is exceptional. That first night though, I was uptight, twisted in knots and resisting running out of the door and back under my too-old-for-dancing comfort blanket.
When I danced with my teacher I twisted my head to the left, as far away from her as possible, and stared off into the distance while still holding on to her arms. She told me to look at her heart. I stood bolt upright like a soldier facing down an enemy. She told me to lean into her. Along with the other couples we walked around and around to the music. Basic, simple walking steps. Ooonne, two. Threeee, four. Round and round and round until I closed my eyes, feeling where my partner was moving, following and mirroring her steps, gently, carefully, and then all of a sudden the world flipped upside down as she twirled me around, and as if they were possessed my feet began doing things that I hadn’t told them to do and I was moving as if I really knew what I was doing and it wasn’t stopping and my feet and legs and arms understood all of it.
My eyes shot open and I pulled away as if I’d been burned. Then I stared at the floor and apologised.
I went back to the toilets and hid again trying to breath in what had just happened. It was as if someone had sliced right through all the layers of excuses and fear and reasons, held a mirror up to me and said “THIS IS YOU. You don’t have a choice in the matter any more. You are not going to be able to ignore this or wrap this up in reasons to avoid it.”
A similar thing happened to me the first time someone described me as an “artist”.
After I plucked up the courage to leave the toilets, I went back upstairs to the Tango class which had now become a Milonga, a social dance event where people dress up in sparkly clothes and shining shoes and dance like they mean it. Lots of people were showing up and they all knew way more about Tango than I did. Most of them were older than me.
I sat there watching them and one woman in particular struck me. She had beautiful silver hair, an elfin face, and she moved like…there is no other way to say this, like light over water. She looked effortless but sparkling and always changing. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her feet. There was a line of beautiful men waiting to dance with her. She wasn’t the only breathtaking silver haired dancer either. The thing with Tango is that it can take decades to become good, and most often, at least in my experience, the best dancers are the ones who are older. The beginners are the ones who look heavy and stiff and creaky and weighed down by the anxiety of getting it wrong and wondering what the hell they’re doing. The most experienced dancers look the most effortless, light and dare I say it, young.
I used to look back at being a teenager with regret, seeing all the potential that I had and didn’t use. I wished I was younger again so I could take advantage of all of that youth and energy and time, because now I know just how precious and rare and fleeting all of that is. The reality was that when I was younger I was terrified all the time. Seriously, ALL the time. I was anxious and self critical and awkward. I was afraid that I was too fat, too ugly, too intelligent, too outspoken, too weird, too normal. Nothing I was or did passed without scrutiny, panic and self criticism. I couldn’t even get dressed without melting down because I was so terrified of getting it wrong. I never knew what I was doing. I didn’t yet have enough experience of rebuilding after fucking things up to realise that even if it all went wrong I would get through it so I avoided confrontation by doing as I was told which often got me into more shit than I ever could have gotten into by myself.
Being young was shite. There’s no way I could have done then what I do now. There is no way in hell that I would have been able to do any of the things I think I should have done then and that I tell myself I’m too old to do now.
It’s not age that’s held me back; it’s fear of not knowing what the hell I’m doing, of being vulnerable, maybe getting it wrong and being a bit crap for a while until I work out how to be better. What’s more at “my age”, I worry that I should appear to know what I’m doing so instead of stepping out of my comfort zone I just make excuses and avoid situations where I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m telling myself I’m too old so I can avoid reliving all of the anxiety of not knowing what the hell I was doing when I was younger.
But some things are powerful and important enough to cut through all of that.
I decided that I had learn to Tango after sobbing uncontrollably while watching two other people Tango dance on TV. It was on Strictly Come Dancing, a show I don’t even watch. After that first taster lesson, when my teacher sliced through whatever had been keeping my dancer self buried, I didn’t sleep for two nights. I booked a course of lessons. I bought shoes and a new leotard (no one wears leotards to Tango classes) and a bag to carry my stuff to and from class in. I listened to Tango music on Youtube.
Three months in, I’m changing. Or rather, I’m returning. There are other things I had written off that are making their way back into my world. Music, clothes, friends, things I thought I was too old for. These things make sense to me again.
AND I have moved into my new studio. Being back in a studio complex with other artists and designers has brought me back to the time twenty years ago when I started Art School, but this time without all of the anxiety and fear and panic. I’m realising that this time in my life shouldn’t be about all the things I’ve left behind; it should be about all the things I am able to build without the fear of getting it wrong because I’m old enough now to work out how to get it right, and sort it out if I get it wrong. I feel younger now than I ever have.
Saying that, I managed to bruise my toe and knacker my hip after overdoing it a bit dancing to Beyonce the other night, so there are some limitations, but still…
Brilliant, much love for a very long, crazy, happy life. You seem to have found it 👯
Thanks Vikki 🙂
What a brilliant story. I can’t think of anything to say which doesn’t sound like a platitude, but as someone considerably older than you I’ve never found it wrong to grasp a meaningful opportunity with both hands. I wish you continued success – no, joy, not everything has to be a success – with your dancing: clearly it was meant to be!
Thanks Michael, I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Thanks so much for writing this. I’m about to embark on something myself: something I feel too old for, something that puts too much at risk, something that will take me out of this very comfortable box I’ve built for myself – sure, the box feels tight and confining, but I KNOW the box. It’s predictable. Safe.
Anyway, I’m poking at the sides right now and considering options, but soon I’m going to step out of it and see what happens.
Your post has bolstered my courage.
Thanks again,
You’re very welcome! Good luck with the thing you are definitely not too old for, I wish you all the courage you need.
You sound a little like me. I understand those critical voices that won’t let up. I can say that avoiding your soul’s expression is a lot more painful than following it, and a wise person once told me there is strength in vulnerability–took me a bit to believe her, but she was right. Vulnerability is faith, expansiveness, the open heart.
You are about 10 years younger than I am. I had a lot of struggles health-wise that delayed my dreams, but I am full steam ahead now. I am happier, as I near 50, than I was when I was younger. I think women can be lucky this way. We can gain confidence. I call it the Age of No Longer Giving Two F*cks. I highly recommend it.
Such a beautiful story! At 64, I KNOW I am not too old for anything! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you , this came when I was feeling the limitations of my body and opened a door to looking at what I do differently.
All I can say is, thanks to you, at 54yrs old, I am graduating tomorrow with a BAHons in Textile Design (interior, fashion and art).
I keep thinking back to the terrified bus driver you interviewed and think how far I have come.
Thank you x
Congratulations Sandra. I was nearly in tears after interviewing you! I couldn’t believe how terrified you were when you were clearly so talented. You couldn’t even look at us! I’m so happy for you graduating tomorrow, have a brilliant day. xxx
And you don’t need to thank me, you worked bloody hard and you deserve all the success that’s coming to you. x
Nearing 70, I am more expressive and taking more chances than ever before. Yes, I have often wished I could have “woken up” earlier in life; tried more things, traveled more. But today is today and I am grateful for everything and everyone I’m with.
This is so honest. I feel like I could have written it, especially the bit about your youth. I’m 67 and am still growing. I began a new career as an art teacher 2 years ago. We are NEVER too old.
What an incredibly beautiful story, one we can all learn from. I, in my mid-thirties, am finally breaking out of the bondage of my own fears to pursue what I love – what I know I’m good at.
Fear is a terrible enemy which leaves us with so much regret – so many “if only’s” and “I wish I had’s.” I am grateful that you found the strength to finally throat-punch fear when it tried to keep you from your passion.
I’m glad you have too 🙂
an old plant shaman friend gave me these words many years ago, “Spirit likes to see us dance on the shifting sands of change”
That’s going to be cross stitched and mounted on my wall Mo. Thank you x
I have re-posted this on Facebook.
And, despite my two left feet,I do dance.Not formal dancing, just moving my old limbs where the music takes me.I have learned not to care if I look silly!
That sounds like the best kind of dancing to me Diane, thanks for sharing the post x
Wonderfully frank!
Thanks Anni x
Beautiful woman
You have inspired me both creatively and spiritually
Thank you x
You’re very welcome x
Well sissola, try 64! I have just turned 64, and my life has never been bigger, and I don’t mean socially, I mean creatively.
I worked for myself as a designer for 40 years, and took time out 35 years ago to do a fine art degree majoring in printmaking. After all that time, without having painted or pulled a print, I have the studio (one that my partner built, and that would be the envy of many successful artists), I have a big, virgin etching press, lots of beautiful paper on order, and big breath, I am going to hit that studio, and start again.
It makes me sad that at 38 you thought you were too old, but at 38, that is what I thought about myself too.
Lovely images attached to your post, thank you.
All the best with your dancing, and everything else you want for yourself.
It makes me sad that I know eighteen year olds who think they’re “too old” for things but that just goes to show how much needless limitation we put on ourselves. Your studio sounds amazing, I’d love to see what you make 🙂
You speak right into my heart today. Thank you!
You’re very welcome x
Beautifully expressed. You reminded me of an elderly married couple I knew in Greece. They were round, settled people. One evening, I saw them out at a village dance. The music was traditional and they had obviously been dancing it together for decades. The grace of their moves was ageless. Watching them, it was as if the dance suspended them in time. They looked young and old and everything in between as they danced together.
Plato said it, didn’t he? “The dance, of all the arts, is the one that most influences the soul. Dancing is divine in its nature and is the gift of the gods.”
What a beautiful comment! I completely agree. I met a couple yesterday who had been dancing together for over sixty years. They told me that they first danced together when she was seventeen and he was nineteen. They were just like the couple you described.
What a beautiful story and such a poignant quote. I’m going to pin that to my studio wall. Thank you 🙂
Thank you so much for putting yourself and your fears and desires and experiences into words so vividly. Like many other commentators I am much older than you and continue to try out new things, and find life increasingly richer than my much younger set of selves. I’m in my first year of learning samba drumming at the age of 65, and so can echo all this appreciation of dance amd movement, and am loving it (though I did have to have a few serious conversations with my fears, as you have expressed so well here). As we build up experience and love for self and others, then perhaps we learn that making mistakes, or not being brilliant at what we are doing, is part of the learning – not a failure at all. If this new thing is bringing out another part of my or your self then stick with it and celebrate. If not, keep looking around, outside that comfortable old box.
Thank you Kathy 🙂
Thank you for every honest word you wrote. I can relate to so much of what you said in this post.
You’re welcome x
what a delight of a read. thank you ever so much for your generous sharing, the realness and the pain, it felt so real to read. It reached in and touched me down here in Australia. thank you x
You’re welcome 🙂
Hello! Just followed yesterday and am looking forward to having a read of your posts, I am very new to all of these and have uploaded my first two posts on my blog and only started yesterday so I don’t know if you might be able to check them out and leave a comment and tell me if you like it or not as I would welcome any help? Thank you, Yours,
Hi Sian, thanks for your comment, good luck with your blog 🙂
Thank you–this really struck a chord; read through tears in my eyes. I feel bolstered up and encouraged.
You’re welcome 🙂
I am another New Zealander your posts have helper 🙂
In particular this one:
https://thepalerook.com/2015/06/05/artists-statement-part-two/
Imposter syndrome is hard enough, but it’s another when others believe it of you too. So this post helps me explain to others what actually goes on in my head when I share something I am excited about.
It also helps me feel relieved when I undercut my own value, and to be able to recognise it for what it is.
I am not able to create work for others, and that has fed in to undervaluing too.
And I am reinventing myself again by going back to what brings me joy, and that is singing, deep research, and working with people who do appreciate having time given to them 🙂
Thanks so much for letting me know that the post has helped you Michaela, I really appreciate it and hope you find what you need 🙂
Wished I had done more seen more and created more,having said that I have never stopped trying.Still haven’t and won’t until my health goes to a point I won’t be able to do things in the way I am at the moment.I am in my 70th year and so glad I have found your beautiful art and blog.I am now trying to create in a way that I have had a longing for since I read my first fable in primary school.The magic of our world never ceases to amaze me and finding blogs like yours reminds me there are a lot of people out there,that we can now reach,who have thoughts and feelings and longings similar to my own.I am so glad and pleased for you that you have arrived,I to feel as if I’ve never been in the right time and place,always on the fringe of whatever I have done.So reading your blog and seeing your amazing creations have given me the push to go for it.I too am sat in my kitchen using it as my studio ,wishing to find a community and work space such as yours and again you have,so there is hope it still exists here in Derbyshire.Thank you for your inspiration,it has been amazing to read your blog and has moved me to tears ,with joy for you that you have found your place,with sadness a little for me but with hope I get to find my place.xxxxx